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The Shark Deck. Hey man, I’m Johnny Mack with your Daily Comedy News Matt Rife. I wanted to tell you about this yesterday, but there was so much strife yesterday. Matt Rife has a new special coming to Netflix titled Natural Selection. Rife will leave no topic unsouched, from crystals to social media trolls, and no audience member spared.
You’re gonna have to wait a minute because he hasn’t even taped it yet. He’ll tape it on September twenty second and twenty third at Constitution Hall in Washington, DC. This all part of the Problematic Tour, which is sold out for a run of more than two hundred and sixty dates. Wow, Jimmy Kimmel on Strike Force five, that’s the podcast the five late night guys are doing. I heard Kimmel on Monday’s Bill Simmons say that the first five episodes have been recorded.
So if you’re waiting to hear Jimmy Fallon talk about Fallon Gate, you might have to wait. And I wonder if they’ll talk about fallon Gate at all. Maybe they will, maybe, I don’t know. We’ll see what that podcast doing very well. Even if they can’t get John Oliver on a proper microphone, and he sounds like he’s in a cave.
And they’re making lots of headlines. Jimmy Kimmel told the story about trying to use the time off for the writer strike to get a vasectomy. He made an employment shave. The you know, you got to shave some stuff, Kimmel said, It’s complicated, it’s a little bit scary. There’s nothing smooth in that area.
It’s like shaving chewing gum. And the day didn’t go as planned. Kimmel’s Uber driver overheard him talking about his vasectomy plans and suggested another option instead, which is semen retention. Hold on, Jimmy Kimmel’s taking an uber to a vasectomy. He doesn’t like have a car, like a driver or anything that much money.
Does Jimmy Kimmel make fifteen million dollars a year? Jimmy Kimmel takes ubers. He doesn’t have a service. Was he on? Wait?
Am I misunderstanding? You know? Maybe his wife could have driven him to the vasectomy. I don’t know. Anyway, As the story goes, Kimmel’s Uber driver, whenever he was in this uber, overheard him talking about his vasectomy plans, suggested another option see him in retention.
Colbert said, did he have a bunch of jars on the front seat? Falon said, is it like holding it a sneeze? Kim Will said, honestly, I think it’s something you learned about in one of those podcasts these young guys listened to. Then he said him meeting me and the uber is one of his desires, and it manifested somehow we had a very long ride home. Okay, so this wasn’t on the way to a sector me.
That’s why I don’t read the articles in advance. It’s no fun if I do that. Oliver joked. I think he may have inadvertently clicked the box on the Uber app that says please talk to me about semen retention. That’s either a one star ride or a five star ride, and I think it might be both.
Jim Gaffigan was on Bill Maher’s podcast last week. I finally got to listen to the whole thing, really enjoyed it to the point where I pulled a transcript for it. At one point, mar asked Jim Gaffigan why he tours with Jerry Seinfeld like they can both set out they don’t need to show there’s help, Gaffigan said, because it’s fun to hang out with other comedians. He gives us an opportunity to a show, and we do this in New York City all the time. We’ll do a show at Gotham and then we’ll hang out afterwards, usually just for half an hour forty five minutes, and I’ll be talking about comedy because some of it, you know, I think of Jerry as kind of the comedy Socrates.
He doesn’t engage in gossip. He engages in discussions of comedy, which all comedians do. But we can sit there and some of it is the craft of joke writing, you know. Mar said, I got to New York at seventy nine. I think he was a couple of years before me.
I think he started in seventy six. So he was always like this calm head of the class guide, not like arrogant about it, just like aware of what you had to do to get on TV and be successful and do this act everyone could get. It seems to be a week for dusting off old beefs. A clip of Ali Wong on Trevor Noah’s Daily Show from twenty nineteen, resurfaced on TikTok, Allie Wong had a confrontation with a white male comedian. She didn’t reveal who it was, said he was not a very successful comedian and tell Trevor Noah, I don’t even know if you’d know who he was.
She explained that the comedian approached her while she was pregnant and touched her belly with quote his fat, sweaty hand, as she described as so gross to begin with. She said, just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to touch my belly. He referred to her pregnant. She then said the comedian said, so this is your stick now, her reply, getting pregnant is not rainbow suspenders. I’ll come back to that.
The comedian told her she was so lucky because she receives all this attention because she’s both female on minority or come back, you know, because historically there’s always been the winning combo for recognition and success. And he was like, you know what I mean, like me, I’m just another white guy. She said, back, be a better white guy, and then cited some successful white male comedians like Jimmy Kimmel, Will Ferrell, Nick Carole, John Mulaney and on and on. So that’s rotten. No one should touch her, no one should accuse pregnancy of being a gimmick.
But her line about rainbow suspenders being a gimmick, so comedian rainbow suspenders, that’s Robin Williams right, Is that a gimmick? Is John Mulaney wearing suits a gimmick? I don’t know. I think suggesting Robin Williams as a gimmick comedian is that’s a little harsh. Sam J will have a new special on HBO September twenty three that’ll be out at ten o’clock.
What can fans expect from Sam Jay’s new special, which is called Salute Me or Shoot Me? Well takes the stage at Brooklyn Steel for a hilariously frank discussion on embracing our differences, the stresses of long term relationships, and the power of empathy. Newly engaged sam J gets candid about life with her future wife, on the unknown stresses of being the man, the grim reality of trash day, and Moore. Chris Gethard is in the middle of the New Jersey is the World tour. He’s hitting all of New Jersey’s twenty one counties.
Each show will be at very intimate venues. He says the largest is fifty five seats, with hyperlocal reference, crowd work and other Jersey comedians joining him. He said, I’ve always prided myself on being able to look at the comedy scene and to see where the coolest stuff is happening. And I feel lucky to tell you right now, something effing cool is happening in Jersey. A lot of hard working, hilarious, vers little comics are doing great things around here.
I’d take no credit for it, but I’m happy to help shine a spotline on it. If you’re local to New Jersey, You’re in Montclair tonight Silver Stream Studio. Tomorrow, Union, New Jersey at Van goz Ear Cafe, Jersey City. On the fifteenth at pet Shop the sixteenth Vinyl Brewing in Hamilton, New Jersey. Been there for many A soccer tournament.
September seventeenth yearbook Records at Lenoka Harbor and then a gap to the twenty fourth, he’ll be at Panos Highland Park. The New York Daily News profiled Gary Goldman’s upcoming book, which is called Misfit Growing Up awkward in the eighties. The News calls it a clever, self effacing, and sometimes melancholy, three hundred page ish tomb that lets reader see how Gary Goldman got from ABC to ECT. The Daily News talked about how Gary’s openness and nice nature he is a really nice guy, has made him both a poster boy for mental health and the resident dry shoulder for other comedians, a role he embraces. He says, I’m happy to do it because I’m grateful that I feel better, and I feel an obligation to humanity to try and help people along.
I used to think, at the very least I could make people forget about their troubles, at least while I’m on stage, and maybe feel less alone. Young Gary was mostly kept company in the afternoons by Sesame Street. He said, it was so helpful to have Sesame Street as a rehorse. I always felt that I was a Burt in an ernie world. He cites as his favorite comedy sketch Ever Grover as a haphazard waiter to an angry bald customer.
The News rights, like Goldman Grover a furry blue monster. Thank you. Daily News is well meaning, a lot smarter than he lets on, and someone who just wants to save the world, at least from itself. The book is out on the nineteenth. Wh’ll do a book signing at Brooklyn’s Little Field on launch day.
Goleman says he’s been practicing his signature. I remember meeting Ray Bradbury and he signed my notebook and my old copy of Fahrenheit four fifty one, and he also drew a picture of a cat. The line was out the door. He was in no rush. He was so kind.
I just want to emulate him during the tour, the same way that David Sedaris is so kind for the people who wait. I think this is a very special connection between a writer and someone who takes the time to read their books. So I want to express my gratitude for that. A new special on eight hundred Pound Gorilla Jake Rush is overwhelming neutral. Eight hundred Pound Gorilla has their own blog, So this is, you know, Pravda for comedy, but you know, I’ll take it seriously.
They wrote within the first minute of a special, Jake Rush jokes that just last week I actually delivered a pizza at the university I graduated from to people that knew me He quotes someone at his graduation saying, hey, everybody, give it up if you’re an actor. I didn’t realize at the time, but that was actually the best advice I got in college. Those are two good jokes, the gorilla says. The one two punch shares some overlap with the one liners of Anthony Jessnick. A few minutes in Spoilers, Rush mentions he used to work as a college comedian.
Made slight waves after seeing a sign calling for the song Baby It’s called Outside to be canceled, clarifying how can you cancel that Christmas Carol because the woman is in danger but completely turn a blind eye to Grandma got run over by a reindeer. He then goes on to dismantle the song, going from the main premise, considering the hoof prints on her front and claw marks on her back, before shifting the joke with the line news flash, reindeer don’t have claws. The joke then pivots to how she was flipped over for possible murder, and ends with a degree of certainty that she was a cult sacrifice. That sounds like a great special. It’s called overwhelmingly neutral.
The artist is Jake Rush that should be on YouTube tonight. Jake Rush overwhelmingly neutral and at her I’m twelve years old. This story I did on my other podcast, five Good News Stories, which is just a bunch of smile stories. It was Friday, September first, the kickoff to the Labor Day weekend. The general manager at the Quality Inn in Absecon, New Jersey, went out to open the pool and noticed it was covered in blue stuff that was turning the water green.
At this point in the summer, the GM knew the drill. The staff of the motel drained the pool, washed it down, filled it back up. Three hours later, people were swimming, but when the general manager returned hours later to drop off supplies for the next morning’s breakfast, the pool turned yellow before her eyes. She checked the security camera as nobody had driven by. There were no cars in sight.
No one walked past the pool with thrown something in, so she called a detective at the Galloway Township Police Department. She told the detective it has to be a drone. The detective said, you might be onto something. Okay, you’re ready for this now. That day, the Galloway Police, in partnership with the federal Aviation Administration, The New Jersey State Police and the Abscon Police Department tracked a drone as it flew from the quality in to a nearby heating and cooling business.
There, they arrested a man who has been charged with multiple counts of criminal mischief and harassment. The accusation the man operated an unmanned aircraft via remote control and used it to drop packets of sea die into neighborhood pools. Sea dies a chemical used in water rescues. It turns water different colors, from bright yellow to fluorescent green. Apparently this went on all summer.
On August thirteenth, an Absecon homeowner called the police reported drone and hovered over their pool and dropped a substance in the water that turned the water green. The detective said similar reports soon emerged from around the area. He described the investigation as ongoing. I know this is terrible. Can you just imagine be the cop taking these calls asked about a motive.
The cops suggest all indications or the accused had been pranking people. This is how much this went on. The poolback at the hotel First Turn Green on June twenty second, the GM said it first, it happened every other week, Then it started happening more frequently. The week before the police figured it out, the pool turned green on both Thursday and Friday. The GM said he was getting too happy doing it.
She was happy to get a call from the detective who told her her nightmare or summer was finally over. The GM said, I said, thank you. I can breathe now. That’s your comedy news for today. Follow the show for free on Apple, podcast, Spotify, YouTube, wherever you get your shows.
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